Pam @ PH
Jun 17, 2019
Updated: Jul 3, 2019
Needing my father's approval drove me to insanity. Over and over I tried to be obedient and please him. Each time, I expected "this time" would be different. "This time," he would scoop me up into his arms and be the Hallmark movie star dad I dreamed of. We would laugh, talk for hours, and eat ice cream cones. But no matter how hard I tried, we didn't have a fairy-tale relationship.
Because I kept trying different combinations, I failed to see the insanity. I got perfect grades. I helped my mom run the house. I helped my Dad run the yard and garden. I kept my brothers out of trouble. For more than 40 years, I tried to find the right career, car, diet, and pastimes to win my dad's approval.
Instead, I ended up being a miserably frightened 6 year-old little girl trapped in an exhausted 40 year-old body. I was an adult with the problem-solving skills of a child. I kept trying harder and harder to control another person's feelings. This was insane, and my life was unmanageable.
Of course, a 6 year-old might think that God is just like her earthly dad. It makes perfect sense. When I was finally broken enough to try Celebrate Recovery, I was thrilled to learn Jesus could be my Higher Power because I wasn't speaking to God. I didn't trust God any more than I trusted my dad. Little by little, I began to trust Jesus with small, superficial problems. After a few months, I began asking Jesus to give God messages for me. As I recovered, I learned I had a lot of things wrong about my understanding of God. Louie Giglio says,
"God is not the reflection of your earthly dad. He is the perfection of your earthly dad."
When I started attending Celebrate Recovery, I was an emotional wreck. I was physically sick, and I had a lot of debt.
The truth is, I sought EVERYONE's approval, not just my dad's.
Over the next few months, things got WORSE! I was facing bankruptcy. I couldn't pay my bills. Anytime a large truck would drive past my house, I was certain someone was here to repossess something. I couldn't pay the taxes on the house I owned, and I was less than seven days away from losing the house. My biggest fear was that my dad would read about the taxes in the paper. I was a grown woman who was still afraid of being punished by her dad.
I owed banks money for bounced checks, and I couldn't even buy food for my family. Yet, my relationship with God was healing. He was providing for my needs. Sarasota has a great network of food banks. I was even able to get fresh fruits and veggies at one of the sites. I learned to put my family's immediate needs first. This meant I couldn't please everyone. I paid my rent first, and then told all the other creditors the hard truth.
Above all, I learned that having money or credit to buy stuff didn't give me serenity. Instead, it robbed me of my peace. Day by day, I looked to God to meet all of my needs, including love.
I've always loved my dad, which is why I tried so hard to please him. In many I ways, I made my dad and all of the other people in my life little gods. When I needed love or approval, I went to them. When I needed security or advice, I went to these people before I went to God. No wonder my life was in a mess.
Surrendering my life to God means that I can only have ONE true God. Putting God first lets me see my dad as a human who doesn't have to be perfect or have all of the answers. I never had a coming of age standoff with my dad. I never called my dad and fired him from the day to day management of my life. I simply quit asking his advice. I quit running ideas past him, and I quit telling him my every move. Instead, I do that with God.
When I get it right and make my recovery my priority, I seek God first thing in the morning. I run all of my problems past Him, and I ask Him to solve them. When I am patient enough to wait for His answers and bold enough to follow them, things work out better than I can imagine.
When I go back to my old habits of people pleasing and forcing solutions, I am right back in the insanity of my insecurity. This usually means that scared six year-old little girl is once again calling the shots. I wish this never happened, but recovery is about...
Progress, not perfection.
I'm getting wiser. I notice my insanity faster. I suffer for shorter amounts of time, and I get myself right with God sooner. As soon as I do that, my need for human approval is exposed and my serenity returns.
God did end up rushing in and saving the day. I didn't have to file bankruptcy. Someone bought the house, and I was able to pay my back taxes, late fees, credit card balances, and bank charges. My credit score is still recovering, but I can buy anything I want at grocery stores, and I pay for it with cash. No more credit cards for me.
Now that my dad's gone back to just being human, I can see him for what he is, a human. I am able to accept and love my dad for the person he is. I no longer try to control his behavior, and I know I'm not the cause of his feelings. He's still quiet, sometimes distant, and gruff, but I didn't cause any of that. Nor can I cure any of his problems. I see where my expectations let me down and contributed to the insanity.
Resources:
So many recovery tools and slogans helped me redirect my need for approval.
Step 12. I practice these recovery principles in all my affairs because I am sick in all my affairs.
In Al-Anon, I learned about the three C's: I can't control someone else, I can't cure anyone else, and I didn't cause anyone else's disease or addiction.
Other people's opinions of me are none of my business.
I read and re-read Boundaries by Drs. Cloud and Townsend.
Expectations are predetermined resentments.
Progress, not perfection.
The entire Serenity Prayer:
God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time,
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardship as a pathway to peace;
taking, as Jesus did,
this sinful world as it is,
not as I would have it;
trusting that You will make all things right
if I surrender to Your will;
so that I may be reasonable happy in this life
and supremely happy with You forever in the next.
Amen.
- Reinhold Niebuhr